Many adults with ADHD grow up hearing that they are too loud, too intense, too talkative, or simply too much. What does that repeated message do over time?
Shame gets attached to the action, and instead of shaping it, it stifles it. We never get better at wielding the trait; we're just afraid to use it.
An example is that maybe you have a strong humor trait, but you used it at the wrong time or used it inappropriately and were told, "You're so inappropriate," or, "Couldn't you tell now was not the time to make a joke?" As you move through life, you attach that shame to ANY time you think of something funny or want to say something funny, even if it was an okay time or appropriately funny.
And so you don't say it and suppress it, or you say the funny thing and immediately regret it, regardless of what the feedback in the moment actually is. The shame is already attached, so you're already apologizing and/or feeling guilty about it. The problem is that you may never reflect or get better at using the trait. It just stays raw.
You’ve said that our “too much” traits need a playground. What does that playground look like in adult life, and why do those traits need one?
I think of a playground as a fun practice area WITH boundaries. The best playgrounds are so fun that kids don't need to test the boundaries because there's plenty of room to have fun and be carefree! Just like kids who need to grow and learn, our traits need the same thing. Without a "playground" to learn how to climb, fall, and practice jumping in, our traits stay raw and messy.
I ask adults where, when, and with who they feel like they can take the reins off and not feel like they're too much. Maybe it's with a certain person or group of friends, or maybe a particular hobby or event they like to go to. Those things need to become an intentional place to go to let your traits grow.
And then, also like a playground, have boundaries in place that won't feel like you're being restricted but that are a nice reminder that you need to stay within the playground. For example, when I'm in a social setting like a party or get-together, I keep getting more energized and stimulated. I know that at the hour mark, it's a good idea to make sure I take a minute away to breathe and drink a glass of water, so I set my watch to buzz at that hour mark to give myself a designed break. It doesn't totally ruin my vibe or make me feel ashamed and like I need to leave or anything. It's just a nice reminder to take a second.
How can someone tell when a trait needs better support or boundaries, and when they have simply learned to suppress a good part of themselves?
I think all traits always need better support. Even the best parts of ourselves are never perfect. However, when you think of the words "too much," I guarantee something about yourself pops up in your head immediately. We all have that insecure thing, and it's usually these insecure things that keep us from fully loving ourselves.
Being okay with it and giving that part of us love is exactly what I'm talking about. Your WHOLE self needs love and attention from you. We're not trying to make it more tolerable for everyone else, and while it may inadvertently start to become that, that's not the goal. Giving it room to play and do what it was always meant to do—grow and be unique—is the definition of self-love.
In Ron's words
“We’re so worried about where we might end up we never back the car out of the driveway.”
What’s a good first experiment for someone who has forgotten how to play or feels self-conscious trying?
The easiest answer is the "What would you do if you could do anything?" question. However, that can be hard for some of us to answer, so if that's tough for you, I love this little amendment to it. These little hacks don't work for everyone, but maybe a version of this will work for you, so feel free to tweak it as you like.
What would the kid version of you do if they could do anything? Like ANYTHING. It works twofold because, one, it really speaks to the deep-down version of you that likely had fewer worries and responsibilities, and that version is probably the you-est you there is. But it also gives you another person to do this with and for.
I love to do things for eight-year-old Ron all the time because I'm way less likely to bail on him than I am to bail on myself. I'm also less likely to be embarrassed playing if I'm doing it with and for him, too.
Where does practice fit into this? Why did you call your NeuroDiversion talk “Shut Up, I’m Practicing”?
Two reasons.
First, your self-talk isn't accurate. It's not real. It's not you seeing into other people's thoughts, and it's not a fortune teller. It's a coping strategy to keep you from getting that negative feedback again, and it's no longer serving you. While telling it to shut up usually doesn't work—man, if it did, though—it's a reminder that it doesn't have to control you or tell you what to do. It's like a drunk heckler that you may have to put up with because no one's kicking them out.
The practice part is also for your self-talk. It's reminding you—and your self-talk—that it's not life or death. We're not being chased by a lion; we're just at a dinner party. Sure, it can be scary, and we're not trying to completely invalidate our fears here, but let's take the pressure off a little bit. It's just practice. We're just being a human, trying things out to learn and practice again tomorrow.
There's something freeing about taking a little bit of the pressure off. I remember once thinking, "I need to find the right answer," and somewhere I shifted to, "What's the best answer I've got right now?" That made it okay for it not to be the best. Too often, our self-talk paralyzes us, and we live life afraid to be wrong or embarrassing or disliked, so we do nothing at all—which ends up being infinitely worse.
Why do so many people with ADHD throw themselves into a hobby and then lose interest? Does a hobby have to last to count?
I bought an electric drum set at the beginning of the pandemic because I always wanted to play the drums. I was pretty hesitant at first because I "always start a new hobby and never stick with it," but my mental health was struggling, and I needed something to pull me out of a pretty dark place.
It was awesome. I played every day for an entire month. My friend came over with his guitar a few times, and we had jam sessions and even recorded some of them. It pulled me out of that dark place, and I was thrilled I pulled the trigger on the purchase.
Then things started to change. Businesses were opening up, work was getting back to normal, and I started getting busy again. It's been six years, and I never played the drums again. They became just another hobby I didn't follow through with. At first, I felt the same shame. I WASTED that money. I SHOULD have known. Blah, blah, blah.
Then I had a perspective shift. Those drums pulled me out of a really tough time. I had a lot of fun moments with them and had fun with a friend during a time that wasn't fun for anyone. I realized they were worth every penny.
I started looking at every hobby I had quit in the past, and I started to see the value of starting them all. They all gave me something invaluable, whether it was a new friend, a fun story, or even the knowledge that I didn't really like the hobby. They've all made me a more interesting person and given me the ability to connect with almost anyone on at least one thing! It was all worth it.
People with ADHD sometimes turn every interest into a project, performance goal, or possible business. How do you keep a playground from becoming another job?
I actually don't like to keep myself from doing anything, but I do put safeguards in place! As an impulsive person, I try to put checkpoints and cooling-off periods throughout my week or before making big changes in my life.
With that being said, I'd rather make an impulsive new business than shame myself into not taking any risks or trying something new. We're so worried about where we might end up we never back the car out of the driveway. It's not like you can't decide to go somewhere else after you start driving. Sure, you may have wasted some gas, but the trip is never a total waste.
What changes when a person learns how to use a trait they once considered embarrassing or inconvenient?
They start to get to know themselves better, appreciate themselves more, and love all of themselves without exception. And what's great is, you don't need to all-or-nothing this one.
Even just a little bit of tending to your trait and allowing yourself to be okay with who you are changes a lot of things in your life for the better. There's real, noticeable change, and it starts to become apparent pretty quickly.
